Monday, May 6, 2024
Monday, May 6th 2024
It's been around 5 years since i posted last time. Today's my birthday. I feel quite joyful due to the cheerfulness of my coworkers. My relationship is okay too. I can tell people that i have all i need. My careeer also develop toward positive direction. Currently i feel in love with playing guitar and doing music again. After all this time. I thought i lost my muse because it's long gone. I try the dangerous method. To open the pandora, which still locked deep down in my inner subconcious. I did terrible thing trying to prying into bygone days as it filled with joy, hopes and hollow dreams. After a short escape i finally able to get hold of mearyself and stop going further. I know it's all in the abyss, and neither is relevant. What matter is the present. And the future. Maybe it's time to let go of my dream of being a tree, or guardian angel. Maybe it's time to be more common. Like human suppose to. I try to walk forward. An old tune caught my attention, drifting me back to those night of endless hopes and dreams. I want to savor it more, still trying to get those muse back. I learnt that money is irrelevant. This is beyond. Beyond this life, this timeframe, this universe. I don't know how far myself go in a different timeline. Sometimes i wish i wake up in different reality, still me but different timeline. The what ifs are endless. I know i'll regret writing this later. But i can't deny the essence of longing. In the end, we're just a flick in this universe. I've been given my time, i know that i'm content. This gift is more than i bargain for. I've been given new hope too. I'm thankful. This is 34. This will be my mark. I'll make something of this life that been given to me that's my hope. We're in good terms. The only shadow that's been haunting me is just myself, beyond that is limitless possibility and opportunity. I'll try to enjoy more of this life. Cheers, dear me. To hopes and dreams. Let's inspire!
Friday, November 15, 2019
Nov 15th, 2019
Man, i don't know how long since last time i decide to write. A lot of things happened. Good stuffs. Bad Stuffs. And kinda in-between. I've taken bold steps after my previous post. Means that i try to move on from all those melancholic ends.
Always holds my value everytime i move galantly towards future after that moment. I don't remember but i think i try to make myself productive in those 2017-2018 phase. Along the way i got to know an app called Smule, a mobile karaoke app that allows me to sung my heart out. And then i joined a community that has similar interest in Japanese Rock/Anime music called Smule Japan World Community. Then i got to know a girl. Then we got close because i fell in love with her voice
(silly me, but i fall easily for those kinds of stuffs). Then i decide to know more about her. In a matter of maybe 6 months-1 year after being familiar with each other, we got to met in person. Damn its far to go to Karawaci, but i got nothing to lose so why not. Long story short our relationship got more serious. Then we plan to get married. But along the way something happened. I save it for another tale later.
Now, i moved to another office. Since last time i wrote i've moved from my office at TB Simatupang to new company at Tugu Tani area, but not long after they relocate to Dr, Satrio. i only stayed there for 6 months. Even though it short, i learnt a lot there. Might say its a pivotal step and foundation for where i am right now.
(Continue Later, Boss Harry sitting right behind me)
Always holds my value everytime i move galantly towards future after that moment. I don't remember but i think i try to make myself productive in those 2017-2018 phase. Along the way i got to know an app called Smule, a mobile karaoke app that allows me to sung my heart out. And then i joined a community that has similar interest in Japanese Rock/Anime music called Smule Japan World Community. Then i got to know a girl. Then we got close because i fell in love with her voice
(silly me, but i fall easily for those kinds of stuffs). Then i decide to know more about her. In a matter of maybe 6 months-1 year after being familiar with each other, we got to met in person. Damn its far to go to Karawaci, but i got nothing to lose so why not. Long story short our relationship got more serious. Then we plan to get married. But along the way something happened. I save it for another tale later.
Now, i moved to another office. Since last time i wrote i've moved from my office at TB Simatupang to new company at Tugu Tani area, but not long after they relocate to Dr, Satrio. i only stayed there for 6 months. Even though it short, i learnt a lot there. Might say its a pivotal step and foundation for where i am right now.
(Continue Later, Boss Harry sitting right behind me)
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Jan 31st, 2017
Well, after all this hiatus i try to make a new start. I don't even know why i write right now, because nothing special seem come to mind or like i have a story that i really want to share at the moment. All i know is currently i'm at the office and it just feels like time is slowly passing by. I don't have anything that i'm really working on at the office right now. Order from customer seem slow, but that's also because we don't really have any supply or fleet ready to be dispatched to our customer warehouse. One thing helps me from dozing off is reading /nosleep on reddit. Today i met one of my work collage that's visiting our office. He's a decent looking person, surely more seniors than myself, with over 10 years experience in logistics industry. Hope we can work out some deals for transport business that i'm currently handling on. It's already 4.47 pm here as i write this sentence. Really still just another day that is same and predictable like another day. Kinda missing my old self that is expecting uncertain/sudden/express call from a friend that used to fill my heart with excitement every time we get in touch. Now that she's doing really great assures me that she's finally really found her happiness, her own losing ends. It's just that after you spend so much time and invested yourself in people/something/a person, when that thing is gone away, you kinda lose some parts of yourself. Even until now, i still struggling to retrieve things that once was left behind, like my passion to write and record music. Used to be more outgoing than this, surely more spontaneous and optimistic. But now, yeah. Still looking for that one glow that can turn on my inner engine, desire and vision for future. I'm on my own. I don't feel lonely or something like that. I don't want to think about it too much either. Just need to keep moving forward.
I always told myself things like "the most important thing is she's happy, i have done my mission, already gave my best, exceed my limit, done a good deeds and similar stuffs" but i know i just trying to justify myself that i already done so much that i live a good life and fight a good fight and as soon as it's over my time will also stops. Reminiscing past event can be very poisonous to your soul, especially if you think you have already give your best and your mission in this world is finished. It blurred your desire to look up for better future and take everything for granted, because you feel that you're already fight a good fight and that outcome is as far as you can get, no more next level or next step.You stuck there. Frankly i don't even understand what i type in 2nd half of this writing. Someone explain that to me. Maybe i'm sulking, or maybe i'm just a loser or just a helpless romantic. I don't know. I'm nobody. Really.
I always told myself things like "the most important thing is she's happy, i have done my mission, already gave my best, exceed my limit, done a good deeds and similar stuffs" but i know i just trying to justify myself that i already done so much that i live a good life and fight a good fight and as soon as it's over my time will also stops. Reminiscing past event can be very poisonous to your soul, especially if you think you have already give your best and your mission in this world is finished. It blurred your desire to look up for better future and take everything for granted, because you feel that you're already fight a good fight and that outcome is as far as you can get, no more next level or next step.You stuck there. Frankly i don't even understand what i type in 2nd half of this writing. Someone explain that to me. Maybe i'm sulking, or maybe i'm just a loser or just a helpless romantic. I don't know. I'm nobody. Really.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Gosh ! it's been a while...
hello internet,
i don't know what i want to write right now, my mind just got into a funk. it's funny how you roaming around and found yourself reading your own story from long time ago. it makes you realize how far did you go ever since. if i being honest with myself, it's kinda going somewhere yeah. in this case, i'm talking about what's going on inside of me. right now i feel like i'm in the state of what you called 'defiance' or self denial. one of my best friend said, "just go with it, continue to do it until you realize how fool you are and that you're wasting your time. it will be hurt as hell in the end, but right now if you choose to get through it, just enjoy the moments, while it last." which to be frank, i knew it all to well. he's through a lot also, but i can say that he's not in that position as long as mine. i knew the field that i'm step in now is already giving me yellow light. i feel like my feet's already in the mud, and it consumes me. trying to drown me with despair and hopelessness. i'm starting to get emotional easily, even though i didn't show it to anyone. yeah. i'm the one of that poker face guy who can act like a tree and not showing what's in my pocket. well, i have nothing in it though (literally speaking, lol). at this point i feel like i'm surrender myself more to the His will, and mercy. i'm just a weak human being who can get easily heated up by the impulses that caused by that particular person. the current is so strong that i'm afraid it will pass through the walls that i have built for more than 6 years. that walls already dealt with lots of hardships and trials in life, still in the end it never fail to reveal it's door, with an exception that one time i decide to let a person gets in, only to realize that in the end i can only do so much that it burned out of exhaustion. i am sorry. let's just save it for another story.
well, as i'm writing to myself now, i still waiting for some feedback from my colleague, it's a work matter, so yeah, i'm not as busy as it seems. speaking of impulses. it's funny though, how can that a person trigger a very strong impulse for a very long time. i even asked Him as i don't understand myself. am i trying to prove something here? am i really the person who i think i am? nevertheless, i carry those impulses right under my sleeve and it's surprising how i find some motivation and inspiration in it. i never thought about it so much though, just caught in a funk, stuck in the moment, seeing those images of that particular person in your head, unable to foresee what's ahead of me. what landmines i will step on. how many breakdowns should i faced and still has to carry on every time as if everything is okay and none happened. it's my obligation, it's my consequences, it's the price that i have to pay for what i promised to myself long ago, the commitment that i've made, that i will always be there. whatever it takes, whatever it may cost. now you're realize the funny part right? so naive. if you seen my previous writing then you know, that i still the same old person from that long ago.
it's like a tree and the moon. even when time keeps moving and season's change, a tree is still a tree. it remains constant, and growing bigger more and more. there's time when a tree has to lose its leaves and surrender itself to a dry season as its part of life. it will stand the test of time, even when all of it branches falls down due to constant torture of nature, its root still strongly hold on to the ground, as if it stares into clouds and sky. its gaze at the moon never fades. of course there's also another tree looking at the same direction, because there's only one moon, but they don't stand the test of time and withers away. but that one tree will always look up, waiting for the sky to be clear so that it can have it's time contemplating it's beauty, although its far away, even impossible to reach. but it didn't matter to the tree. it just want to grow as tall as it could, while dreaming that one day, perhaps, it branches touch the tip of the moon's surface. or if that's too out of this world, at least it can communicate it's intention in some way, knocking on the moon's heart, only to say "even if there's a billion objects that shines brighter in the universe, you're still the prettiest thing that happens in my life, for you being there for me to reach and look how far it carries me now, for that i can stand the test against time, for that i can hold on and build strong root that can stand any change of season and be blessing to natures around me. i just want to say thank you for being a dream that i couldn't even dream of turning on into reality, thank you for always be there on the corner of my thoughts, always be my losing end. because a tree will always be a tree. it meant to have solitary life, not like birds who can freely fly wherever it wanted to and found its soulmate and live happily ever after. i'm not envy to them, but when it gets lonely for that i know my fate as a tree, it keeps me thinking, should i carry on? should move forward? should i keep on living this lifetime? the road still long and time feels like an eternity when you feel empty inside. but i have you. you are the moon. you are the one that poet always talked about, how you beautifully shines the night, how you bring enormous sense of awe in God's creation to mankind. i'm just that one of many, and you're one and only. there's so much that i wanted to talk to you. a lot of things to say to you. the way i feel about you. if we're not destined to be for each other, which is i know it never gonna happen unless His will speaks, i will committed myself, until i face my destiny and meet my Creator". a tree is a tree. it can do nothing to express its feeling, it can never hold hand, never hug, never kiss but it can show how passionate a feeling for others can be by being a place that you can lean to when its rains outside. end of story.
okay, that's enough internet for today, shoulda get back to work.ah it's midday already and it's kinda cloudy outside. weather, please be well.
Jakarta, June 28th 2016
i don't know what i want to write right now, my mind just got into a funk. it's funny how you roaming around and found yourself reading your own story from long time ago. it makes you realize how far did you go ever since. if i being honest with myself, it's kinda going somewhere yeah. in this case, i'm talking about what's going on inside of me. right now i feel like i'm in the state of what you called 'defiance' or self denial. one of my best friend said, "just go with it, continue to do it until you realize how fool you are and that you're wasting your time. it will be hurt as hell in the end, but right now if you choose to get through it, just enjoy the moments, while it last." which to be frank, i knew it all to well. he's through a lot also, but i can say that he's not in that position as long as mine. i knew the field that i'm step in now is already giving me yellow light. i feel like my feet's already in the mud, and it consumes me. trying to drown me with despair and hopelessness. i'm starting to get emotional easily, even though i didn't show it to anyone. yeah. i'm the one of that poker face guy who can act like a tree and not showing what's in my pocket. well, i have nothing in it though (literally speaking, lol). at this point i feel like i'm surrender myself more to the His will, and mercy. i'm just a weak human being who can get easily heated up by the impulses that caused by that particular person. the current is so strong that i'm afraid it will pass through the walls that i have built for more than 6 years. that walls already dealt with lots of hardships and trials in life, still in the end it never fail to reveal it's door, with an exception that one time i decide to let a person gets in, only to realize that in the end i can only do so much that it burned out of exhaustion. i am sorry. let's just save it for another story.
well, as i'm writing to myself now, i still waiting for some feedback from my colleague, it's a work matter, so yeah, i'm not as busy as it seems. speaking of impulses. it's funny though, how can that a person trigger a very strong impulse for a very long time. i even asked Him as i don't understand myself. am i trying to prove something here? am i really the person who i think i am? nevertheless, i carry those impulses right under my sleeve and it's surprising how i find some motivation and inspiration in it. i never thought about it so much though, just caught in a funk, stuck in the moment, seeing those images of that particular person in your head, unable to foresee what's ahead of me. what landmines i will step on. how many breakdowns should i faced and still has to carry on every time as if everything is okay and none happened. it's my obligation, it's my consequences, it's the price that i have to pay for what i promised to myself long ago, the commitment that i've made, that i will always be there. whatever it takes, whatever it may cost. now you're realize the funny part right? so naive. if you seen my previous writing then you know, that i still the same old person from that long ago.
it's like a tree and the moon. even when time keeps moving and season's change, a tree is still a tree. it remains constant, and growing bigger more and more. there's time when a tree has to lose its leaves and surrender itself to a dry season as its part of life. it will stand the test of time, even when all of it branches falls down due to constant torture of nature, its root still strongly hold on to the ground, as if it stares into clouds and sky. its gaze at the moon never fades. of course there's also another tree looking at the same direction, because there's only one moon, but they don't stand the test of time and withers away. but that one tree will always look up, waiting for the sky to be clear so that it can have it's time contemplating it's beauty, although its far away, even impossible to reach. but it didn't matter to the tree. it just want to grow as tall as it could, while dreaming that one day, perhaps, it branches touch the tip of the moon's surface. or if that's too out of this world, at least it can communicate it's intention in some way, knocking on the moon's heart, only to say "even if there's a billion objects that shines brighter in the universe, you're still the prettiest thing that happens in my life, for you being there for me to reach and look how far it carries me now, for that i can stand the test against time, for that i can hold on and build strong root that can stand any change of season and be blessing to natures around me. i just want to say thank you for being a dream that i couldn't even dream of turning on into reality, thank you for always be there on the corner of my thoughts, always be my losing end. because a tree will always be a tree. it meant to have solitary life, not like birds who can freely fly wherever it wanted to and found its soulmate and live happily ever after. i'm not envy to them, but when it gets lonely for that i know my fate as a tree, it keeps me thinking, should i carry on? should move forward? should i keep on living this lifetime? the road still long and time feels like an eternity when you feel empty inside. but i have you. you are the moon. you are the one that poet always talked about, how you beautifully shines the night, how you bring enormous sense of awe in God's creation to mankind. i'm just that one of many, and you're one and only. there's so much that i wanted to talk to you. a lot of things to say to you. the way i feel about you. if we're not destined to be for each other, which is i know it never gonna happen unless His will speaks, i will committed myself, until i face my destiny and meet my Creator". a tree is a tree. it can do nothing to express its feeling, it can never hold hand, never hug, never kiss but it can show how passionate a feeling for others can be by being a place that you can lean to when its rains outside. end of story.
okay, that's enough internet for today, shoulda get back to work.ah it's midday already and it's kinda cloudy outside. weather, please be well.
Jakarta, June 28th 2016
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Lebih Indah
kutahu ku ragu
kutahu ku takut
ragu tuk berharap
takut tuk menatap
detik demi detik
menit demi menit
waktu berlalu bagai jarum
yang terus menusuk jantung
mengejar dan menghantui
bagai mimpi buruk
ku takkan pernah mengerti
ku takkan bisa lupakanmu
reff
aku dan dirimu
adalah kita
biarlah semua menjadi indah
lupakan diriku
pergilah dengannya
biarlah semua menjadi lebih indah
@Jun 10 by~Ciel
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Hectic Live
Dear Friday,
It's a slow start for me to embrace you as i overslept and arrived late at the office.While i'm having my meat bread to overcome my morning hunger, my senior's having a conversation with Mr Zaenal from WDC office. He's a calm and kind person, my senior giving him a piece of her min bd about work, regarding safety matter such as induction to our field officer, random alcohol test for our operation team, record incident details happened on daily basis, medical check-up, and daily reporting. Myself, given the task to deal with the new transport management system application, being pumped up to finish it off by Monday for our two account, Sayap Mas Utama & Bekasi Distribusindo Raya (warehouse and distribution business unit owned by Wings Corporation). I hope to finished them soon though as i'm having my next deadline, that is to review salary worksheet by the end of today & project preparation awaiting me on the next Monday (June 16th). Well, that is how i live day by day being a part of this society (working society). I still have my hopes and dreams though, that is to be means for others by the form of music and dedicating myself to people that i cared & need a helping hand. Maybe it sounds too naive for people these days, but that's just the way i embrace life, to be a part of the nature, to be thankful everyday for the things i see, touch, smell, taste, and feel. Sometimes, i get the sense of people when i heard them talk, or see them in the eye, their inner feelings kind of resonate with me straight into my head. As if i can relate to it, about their true feelings or intention. Sometimes i just surrender to it and try to give them what they need. But at certain point i feel that i'm expecting them to do the same as if i'm trying to make them repay for my kindness. That is, what makes me realize i'm still weak and egocentric kind of guy. Guess it's still a long way to go then. Been a while since i last posted here. Lot things happened, just like what i've said on my previous writing. Later then, when i got more time to share my story. Time isn't on my side right now.
Sincere to myself
It's a slow start for me to embrace you as i overslept and arrived late at the office.While i'm having my meat bread to overcome my morning hunger, my senior's having a conversation with Mr Zaenal from WDC office. He's a calm and kind person, my senior giving him a piece of her min bd about work, regarding safety matter such as induction to our field officer, random alcohol test for our operation team, record incident details happened on daily basis, medical check-up, and daily reporting. Myself, given the task to deal with the new transport management system application, being pumped up to finish it off by Monday for our two account, Sayap Mas Utama & Bekasi Distribusindo Raya (warehouse and distribution business unit owned by Wings Corporation). I hope to finished them soon though as i'm having my next deadline, that is to review salary worksheet by the end of today & project preparation awaiting me on the next Monday (June 16th). Well, that is how i live day by day being a part of this society (working society). I still have my hopes and dreams though, that is to be means for others by the form of music and dedicating myself to people that i cared & need a helping hand. Maybe it sounds too naive for people these days, but that's just the way i embrace life, to be a part of the nature, to be thankful everyday for the things i see, touch, smell, taste, and feel. Sometimes, i get the sense of people when i heard them talk, or see them in the eye, their inner feelings kind of resonate with me straight into my head. As if i can relate to it, about their true feelings or intention. Sometimes i just surrender to it and try to give them what they need. But at certain point i feel that i'm expecting them to do the same as if i'm trying to make them repay for my kindness. That is, what makes me realize i'm still weak and egocentric kind of guy. Guess it's still a long way to go then. Been a while since i last posted here. Lot things happened, just like what i've said on my previous writing. Later then, when i got more time to share my story. Time isn't on my side right now.
Sincere to myself
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