Jan 31st, 2017

Well, after all this hiatus i try to make a new start. I don't even know why i write right now, because nothing special seem come to mind or like i have a story that i really want to share at the moment. All i know is currently i'm at the office and it just feels like time is slowly passing by. I don't have anything that i'm really working on at the office right now. Order from customer seem slow, but that's also because we don't really have any supply or fleet ready to be dispatched to our customer warehouse. One thing helps me from dozing off is reading /nosleep on reddit. Today i met one of my work collage that's visiting our office. He's a decent looking person, surely more seniors than myself, with over 10 years experience in logistics industry. Hope we can work out some deals for transport business that i'm currently handling on. It's already 4.47 pm here as i write this sentence. Really still just another day that is same and predictable like another day. Kinda missing my old self that is expecting uncertain/sudden/express call from a friend that used to fill my heart with excitement every time we get in touch. Now that she's doing really great assures me that she's finally really found her happiness, her own losing ends. It's just that after you spend so much time and invested yourself in people/something/a person, when that thing is gone away, you kinda lose some parts of yourself. Even until now, i still struggling to retrieve things that once was left behind, like my passion to write and record music. Used to be more outgoing than this, surely more spontaneous and optimistic. But now, yeah. Still looking for that one glow that can turn on my inner engine, desire and vision for future. I'm on my own. I don't feel lonely or something like that. I don't want to think about it too much either. Just need to keep moving forward.

I always told myself things like "the most important thing is she's happy, i have done my mission, already gave my best, exceed my limit, done a good deeds and similar stuffs" but i know i just trying to justify myself that i already done so much that i live a good life and fight a good fight and as soon as it's over my time will also stops. Reminiscing past event can be very poisonous to your soul, especially if you think you have already give your best and your mission in this world is finished. It blurred your desire to look up for better future and take everything for granted, because you feel that you're already fight a good fight and that outcome is as far as you can get, no more next level or next step.You stuck there. Frankly i don't even understand what i type in 2nd half of this writing. Someone explain that to me. Maybe i'm sulking, or maybe i'm just a loser or just a helpless romantic. I don't know. I'm nobody. Really.