Gosh ! it's been a while...

hello internet,

i don't know what i want to write right now, my mind just got into a funk. it's funny how you roaming around and found yourself reading your own story from long time ago. it makes you realize how far did you go ever since. if i being honest with myself, it's kinda going somewhere yeah. in this case, i'm talking about what's going on inside of me. right now i feel like i'm in the state of what you called 'defiance' or self denial. one of my best friend said, "just go with it, continue to do it until you realize how fool you are and that you're wasting your time. it will be hurt as hell in the end, but right now if you choose to get through it, just enjoy the moments, while it last." which to be frank, i knew it all to well. he's through a lot also, but i can say that he's not in that position as long as mine. i knew the field that i'm step in now is already giving me yellow light. i feel like my feet's already in the mud, and it consumes me. trying to drown me with despair and hopelessness. i'm starting to get emotional easily, even though i didn't show it to anyone. yeah. i'm the one of that poker face guy who can act like a tree and not showing what's in my pocket. well, i have nothing in it though (literally speaking, lol). at this point i feel like i'm surrender myself more to the His will, and mercy. i'm just a weak human being who can get easily heated up by the impulses that caused by that particular person. the current is so strong that i'm afraid it will pass through the walls that i have built for more than 6 years. that walls already dealt with lots of hardships and trials in life, still in the end it never fail to reveal it's door, with an exception that one time i decide to let a person gets in, only to realize that in the end i can only do so much that it burned out of exhaustion. i am sorry. let's just save it for another story.

well, as i'm writing to myself now, i still waiting for some feedback from my colleague, it's a work matter, so yeah, i'm not as busy as it seems. speaking of impulses. it's funny though, how can that a person trigger a very strong impulse for a very long time. i even asked Him as i don't understand myself. am i trying to prove something here? am i really the person who i think i am? nevertheless, i carry those impulses right under my sleeve and it's surprising how i find some motivation and inspiration in it. i never thought about it so much though, just caught in a funk, stuck in the moment, seeing those images of that particular person in your head, unable to foresee what's ahead of me. what landmines i will step on. how many breakdowns should i faced and still has to carry on every time as if everything is okay and none happened. it's my obligation, it's my consequences, it's the price that i have to pay for what i promised to myself long ago, the commitment that i've made, that i will always be there. whatever it takes, whatever it may cost. now you're realize the funny part right? so naive. if you seen my previous writing then you know, that i still the same old person from that long ago.

it's like a tree and the moon. even when time keeps moving and season's change, a tree is still a tree. it remains constant, and growing bigger more and more. there's time when a tree has to lose its leaves and surrender itself to a dry season as its part of life. it will stand the test of time, even when all of it branches falls down due to constant torture of nature, its root still strongly hold on to the ground, as if it stares into clouds and sky. its gaze at the moon never fades. of course there's also another tree looking at the same direction, because there's only one moon, but they don't stand the test of time and withers away. but that one tree will always look up, waiting for the sky to be clear so that it can have it's time contemplating it's beauty, although its far away, even impossible to reach. but it didn't matter to the tree. it just want to grow as tall as it could, while dreaming that one day, perhaps, it branches touch the tip of the moon's surface. or if that's too out of this world, at least it can communicate it's intention in some way, knocking on the moon's heart, only to say "even if there's a billion objects that shines brighter in the universe, you're still the prettiest thing that happens in my life, for you being there for me to reach and look how far it carries me now, for that i can stand the test against time, for that i can hold on and build strong root that can stand any change of season and be blessing to natures around me. i just want to say thank you for being a dream that i couldn't even dream of turning on into reality, thank you for always be there on the corner of my thoughts, always be my losing end. because a tree will always be a tree. it meant to have solitary life, not like birds who can freely fly wherever it wanted to and found its soulmate and live happily ever after. i'm not envy to them, but when it gets lonely for that i know my fate as a tree, it keeps me thinking, should i carry on? should move forward? should i keep on living this lifetime? the road still long and time feels like an eternity when you feel empty inside. but i have you. you are the moon. you are the one that poet always talked about, how you beautifully shines the night, how you bring enormous sense of awe in God's creation to mankind. i'm just that one of many, and you're one and only. there's so much that i wanted to talk to you. a lot of things to say to you. the way i feel about you. if we're not destined to be for each other, which is i know it never gonna happen unless His will speaks, i will committed myself, until i face my destiny and meet my Creator". a tree is a tree. it can do nothing to express its feeling, it can never hold hand, never hug, never kiss but it can show how passionate a feeling for others can be by being a place that you can lean to when its rains outside. end of story.

okay, that's enough internet for today, shoulda get back to work.ah it's midday already and it's kinda cloudy outside. weather, please be well.

Jakarta, June 28th 2016